She sat in darkness, contemplating the darkness of her life. Two candles and deep thoughts were the light that brought her back from the edge, a changed person.
Ever since she was a kid, she was marked for the edge. It had everything to do with her energy. That much was fate and noone would get in the way. But what happened at the edge was not destined. That would be upto her and upto me. Who am I? My role is that of a guardian. I push people to the edge and I wait and watch. On good days, they can heed the signs and take the leap. On bad days, they run and hide and I have to seek them out. This can go on for all of eternity. Sometimes, it does. It feels like a curse. Ofcourse, it feels like a curse because it is a curse. More on that later. Lets get back to her.
She was five years old when I first showed up. Its all about timing. The earlier the better because childhood scars work wonders; they always get the job done. How and why? Its simple: once the turmoil is dropped onto their energy line, it becomes such an intrinsic part of their energy that it changes their energy of vibration and they become nothing but the carriers of turmoil. This stage is called energy upheaval. The longer and the earlier, the turmoil and the energy interact, the harder and impossible it is to seperate one from the other. With adults, their energy has built a resistance shield and their energy line is so contaminated with energy zapping experiences that they would need thousand dedicated versions of me working on them every single second to raise their energy of vibration and even then I would mostly fail. But, like I said, I have been cursed to do this for all of eternity. So, the ones I miss, I simply get them in their next recycled karmic version as kids.
Back to her; I was there when she turned eight, ten, thirteen, fifteen and seventeen. I could tell you the darkness I exposed her to, the many painful soulwrenching things I put her through but I wont. This isnt a morbid, morose tale. I am not a sadist as you earthlings might be inclined to think. I am simply playing a role in the evolution of energy on your planet. That is all. And, besides, I wasnt the one to wreck her. That was done by beings of your own kind. Have I mentioned that beings of my kind have been cursed to do what we do? I know I did. I am just trying to make a point.
There are many of us at work here. Some of us control the genetic lottery, the place and the time of your birth; others control the experiences and interactions along your lifeline and then there's me who co-creates what happens at the edge.
On this girl's energy case, we made sure the little one was reincarnated into a family and into life experiences that would break her. We also made sure that she was named right. Naming a being in your world by beings of your kind equals the role the energy has been built for and what we must put it through. I am oversimplifying things here, really. In your world, there's an area of science called quantum mechanics where probability, uncertainty and the observer effect play a huge role on reality. Its the same with us. We work with probabilities, uncertainties and most importantly the accursed observer effect. Everything we do falls flat in the face of the observer effect. So, I have to make sure that I isolate and minimize the attachment and the interaction with other mortal energy forms.
Let me explain what I mean. About quarter of the energy cases we handle, we work laboriously in the lab, making sure we figure out the right family, so that the mix of genes and experiences is just right and we make sure that someone in their family will name them just right and everything's going well, which means the person is being broken to their very limits and they are just about at the edge and perhaps moments away from a breakthrough and then out of nowhere, they meet a man or a woman and sparks fly and all is lost. Love and attachment to people and activities that have no role in their energy's evolution take them away from what we had given our everything to. So, we had to go back to the lab and factor in some evil force that we didnt understand at first but slowly we figured it out: the observer effect. The presence of an observer somehow altered the energy field and willpower of a person and so I made sure I kept the person isolated and incapable of bonding with others. We had to invent a whole new step in the energy upheavel process: that of seclusion until the growth and evolution was complete. This meant that the experiences had to be much darker, much earlier on and much more frequent and the upheavel would have to be inflicted in bits and parts by people who would do the most damage. Its tough work and it still fails at times. The last ten times, it failed. And, this time, it cannot. I will not allow another failure, especially after giving it my everything.
So, in this girl's case, for eighteen years, we put her through an intense energy upheaval process and my special formula for making her completely incapable of bonding with people made her a loner and accelerated her energy evolution. At twenty three, she was at the edge and we had given her brief glimpses of what her role was and I thought she was ready to transform and evolve and out of nowhere, she slipped out of my hands and went back to the ways of the mortal world. So, I did what I had to do. I let her breathe a bit, seeked her out and amped up the pain and turmoil to such a degree that all she was capable of doing was searching for a way out and nothing else. She couldnt feel a thing other than what I made her feel. I could have stopped but I broke her over and over. I made sure she attracted all the wrong kinds of people, interactions and experiences but I also made sure she had brief glimpses of meaningful connections, so that she wouldnt end it all. If someone chooses to end their life, we cant stop them. But this one kept going and kept searching.
That is the gateway to energy evolution. Suffering. Searching. Evolution. She was thirty two. She had suffered, searched and now it was time to seal her evolution. She was not slipping away this time. I delivered one final blow. She cried all day and had a brilliant headache. She got out two candles, lit them up, switched off the lights, meditated for a bit, put on sad songs, curled up in a fetal position, cried and then came the moment when her energy line opened up to take the leap. In that moment, her consciousness connected with the cosmic intelligence and dots were connected. She understood that the only way that I would stop, that the pain and suffering, the crappy people and the upheaval would end if she stopped fighting her evolution and stayed true to her energy. In the darkness of the room, as she glimpsed the flickering light of the candles, she finally understood that her connection with darkness was etched the day she was born because her name meant: light.
That was the holy grail moment. The shift in her energy was permanent. I could see it on her energy line: status changed from suffering and searching to evolving at a rapid pace.
Sometimes, in life, the lessons for life are learnt with a price that cost a vacation. This happened for real today and the pain is excruciating. Like a heartbroken wreck, I was flayed open while strapped tight onto an uncomfortable rollercoaster of emotions: denial, disbelief, negotiating a resolution, depression, anger, acceptance and moving on.
Today was a day like no other: I discovered something and a part of me is writhing and squirming and gasping and screaming even though no part of me outwardly seems to be doing that. It must be a part deep deep inside, probably my unconscious.
This is how my conscious brain responds when faced with a new heartbreaking, soul wrenching kind of reality:
1. Nothing's wrong. All's good. Nothing's wrong. Wait, is something wrong?
2. Flight or fight response in some varying degree is triggered.
3. An action occurs.
4. A reaction occurs.
5. A long chat with Mom.
6. Back to normal.
This time, I am hell bent on the lesson learning phase. Or at least my soul is.
1. Always go to the one truest source, the most absolute, reliable source for anything you are seeking. The source I relied on was not the one I should have relied on. This then made me think about life and the big decisions of life. Maybe, the sources that we have used to map our life are not the right sources, who's to say? Our careers, our dreams, our friends, our beliefs, our thoughts: what sources did we use to build our reality? What source should we be using? Most of us probably used society & the outside world, which I did. Now, I am learning to let my soul & my inside world be the one true source.
2. Do not leave important things for the last minute. There might not be a last minute. Act now. Live now. I am slaying to pieces this preposterously annoying habit of doing everything last minute and doing everything at the very end.
That is all. Now, I need to go punch the pillow and sob my eyes out. Kidding. I hope.
P.S. I hope I don’t go all hysterical and insane tomorrow.